Top Secret: Operation Punchline
by vv360
Summary: A mystery-crime fiction regarding The Comedian's involvement in the Watergate scandal. Contains fictionalized versions of figures associated with Watergate.


**June 17, 1972**

It's been a long day. You'd think the large and roomy offices of the Watergate complex would be more than enough to provide ample ventilation. Precisely the opposite it did yesterday, most likely due to the horde of investigators that swarmed its hallways. We may have stumbled upon a plot that may rock the foundations upon which our country is built.

I have reason to believe that an as of yet unknown party has forcibly entered the Watergate complex, perhaps more than once, in order to secure information or material pertinent to the activities of the Nixon administration. Five people remain in [FBI] custody, and are at this time, are our primary suspects.

Although still partly based on conjecture at this point, I have inferred that this burglary, and the others that may have preceded it, are all part of a scheme brought forth by the Nixon administration itself. These burglaries may have been perpetrated to conceal proof of the yet-unproven illegal activities that many opposition factions commonly accuse the administration of. I believe that the activities unearthed today may finally lend such claims support.

The investigators and observers were a mixed lot. Among the first faces I saw on the scene were Bob Woodward and his associate Carl Bernstein. Woodward and Bernstein are talented journalists, if a bit unpopular. Previous articles opposing the Nixon administration have earned them numerous death threats from staunch supporters of the President. I have had, however, the honor of working with Bob [Woodward] before, last May, on an article concerning the attempted assassination of presidential candidate George Wallace.

Among the crowd were Nixon supporters as well. I instantly made out the gaudy appearance of G. Gordon Liddy. I wondered to myself why the [Commission to Re-elect the President] was so curious with the investigation. Liddy's appearance added to my mounting suspicion concerning the administration's involvement.

This suspicion almost immediately turned to silent fear as I laid eyes upon Liddy's companion, Edward Blake. Blake stood out amongst the thin and wiry crowd of investigators and journalists like the proverbial sore thumb. This was especially because he was built like the equally proverbial brick wall. The last I had heard of Blake was his tour of Vietnam with the President, supposedly to fulfill his diplomatic duties in the [CRP]. It seemed he had returned with a souvenir; a large, deep scar running down his right cheek, supposedly due to an argument with one of the locals. If there were a single reason for me to deliberately lose all interest in this investigation, the fear of acquiring the ire of that man would be it.

**June 19, 1972**

Today was my first meeting with Bob [Woodward]. He suggested I take a pseudonym in order to conceal my identity. After much deliberation, I had settled for "Deep Throat", from the title of a porn film that was theatrically released earlier this year. I confessed that I actually saw the film and found it amusing, although a woman having her clitoris in her throat seemed rather off-putting than erotic.

I had informed him of my suspicion that E. Howard Hunt, one of Liddy's associates in the [CRP] was a conspirator in the break-in, based on his name's presence in the address books of one of the five arrested burglars. I believe, however, that Hunt is not the only member of this operation, and that Liddy, if not the entire [CRP] is behind this conspiracy.

This remains to be seen, although I am optimistic that I can gain more information from the five suspects once they are transferred to a secure location at [the FBI Headquarters]. Getting these men to talk is just but another hurdle to delay the inevitable revelation that will finally expose the [Nixon] administration for what it is.

**June 23, 1972**

Fate dealt its first blow to the investigation today. [White House Chief of Staff H.R.] Haldeman accused me of leaking information to Woodward and Bernstein. I, of course, swiftly and adamantly denied this, and so far it seems that [my denial has] been bought. However, what Haldeman stated as my possible motive is what really bothered me. Haldeman stated, and I quote this in verbatim, that "he's ambitious".

Now it would be a complete lie if I had said I didn't care about being promoted to Director [of the FBI], but there are things at work here much bigger than just plain self-subsistence. There is a deep and long-standing conspiracy that is sucking our nation's funds and duping the innocent citizens who supply [those funds] which may have links to the government, and all people can think about is getting ahead at work? I sometimes wonder what's happened to this country and ask myself if this is what's become of the American Dream.

On a slightly more positive side, Frank Wills, the guard on duty during the break-in, found wiretapping equipment in the possession of the five burglars and has surrendered it to the authorities, giving [the FBI] complete jurisdiction in this investigation. I made the decision to finally move the suspects to [FBI Headquarters] for more in-depth investigation. Perhaps then I'll finally get the answers I want.

**June 25, 1972**

The investigation has taken a turn for the worse.

En route to the [FBI Headquarters], the five primary suspects in the burglary were killed this morning. The armored car containing the five men crashed when its front tires were destroyed by sniper fire, causing the vehicle to swerve and crash into a parked car. The two guards assigned to the armored car immediately exited the vehicle, in order to gain more suitable cover, but both were swiftly dispatched with two .300 Winchester Magnum rounds to the head.

The suspects then remained in the car for safety from small-arms fire. However, our assailant, who is still at large, apparently came prepared and fired what reports claim to be a rocket-propelled grenade into the rear section of the crashed armored car. The explosion and subsequent fire killed the suspects.

I fear that the enemies that we are competing with are no longer limited to the political ideas of the government and those who support them. We have a man (or perhaps more) that is determined to make sure we take the information we have so recently unearthed to the grave, even if he is to be the one to send us there. And with his apparent supply of military grade weaponry, he could do it if he wanted to.

Suddenly, the race seems so much longer, and the hurdles, so much higher.

**June 30, 1972**

The past five days have more than made up for the loss of our prime suspects. While the charred corpses in the armored car that was wrecked in the skirmish with our still-unknown assailant can yield no more information, it seems that we may have gained all the knowledge that we may have needed from our late suspects in the form of a recording on a cassette tape retrieved from the front carriage of the car.

The car, aside from safeguarding the suspects, was also tasked with the responsibility of keeping their recorded interrogations for the duration of its trip. Fortunately, the cassette was not too damaged and the recording on the tape was recovered and remastered for its release to the FBI. On the recording, it was revealed that a few hours prior to the ill-fated trip, one of the suspects confessed that G. Gordon Liddy was one of the people who contracted him for the job.

Following subsequent investigation, Liddy was placed under house arrest, awaiting possible placement into FBI custody.

Despite the development of such a circumstance, I admit there is still work to be done. I am eagerly awaiting the announcement that would finally link the wiretapping equipment and the information the late suspects sought to control to Liddy. From there, we could blame this whole conspiracy on the government and finally expose the activities behind the Nixon administration. The final nail in the coffin is soon to be forged.

**July 5, 1972**

I have been so caught up in this conspiracy shtick that I decided to take a break. Lord knows I need the time to make sure I don't get grayer than I already am.

Vietnam was finally made the fifty-first state yesterday, and quite ironically, on the fourth of July no less. In the evening, they held a banquet honoring the two superheroes who led Operation: Wrath of God and practically secured the greatest military victory the United States had ever had: Dr. Manhattan and The Comedian.

Manhattan was present, although as always, exhibited the apathy he had seemed to radiate these few years regarding his increasing involvement in military affairs. I mean, radiate alongside the glowing blue light of his skin of course.

Interestingly, The Comedian was absent, perhaps due to the fact that his secret identity has not yet been made public. I suppose it was for the best. I could not imagine myself sharing a toast and trading jokes with someone who in all other circumstances would be considered a war criminal and a rapist. And the fact that he'd been fighting in the employ of America since World War Two just made me shudder at the sheer volume of death this man is likely responsible for.

Even more interestingly, however, Edward Blake represented The Comedian at the awarding ceremony. Apparently, Blake had been one of the government [representatives] who maintained close contact with The Comedian and was one of the officials who suggested to him that he serve in Vietnam. I'd imagine two big and rough-looking guys like those two would get along nicely.

[Vice President Gerald R.] Ford awarded him with a cute little plaque composed of a pair of mounted and framed M1911 pistols and then shook his hand. It reminded me of those toys sold in novelty and comic book stores. Who knows? In a few years time something like that might actually pop up in those places.

**July 9, 1972**

This investigation has claimed yet another life. Frank Wills, the guard who played witness to the break-in was killed in a car crash this morning. A van had apparently tried to overtake Wills, but had "inadvertently" clipped the rear fender of his sedan, causing him to crash into a nearby car. The impact launched Wills from his seat and into the brick wall face of a nearby apartment.

The van quickly sped off and avoided the police long enough for it to be abandoned near a subway entrance with no trace of the driver. I doubt, however, that the driver of that van was merely avoiding a prison sentence.

I also doubt that this is any ordinary hit-and-run. The manner in which Wills was killed, makes this incident similar to the one which claimed the lives of our five burglars. Judging from of the impact the van made on Wills' sedan's rear fender, it is possible that the van's driver deliberately struck Will's car in order for it to sideswipe and thus crash. It seems like a professional car-disabling technique commonly employed by county sheriffs in those car-chase shows that have recently gained popularity. Whoever the [perpetrator] is, it seems he is trained in techniques available only to military and law enforcement personnel.

Furthermore, the driver disappeared without a trace into the subway system after abandoning his van. I highly doubt anyone just running from the cops after an accident would have the skill and presence of mind to do that. It had to be planned.

Whoever we're dealing with is a highly skilled tactician and has access to the most exclusive of weapons as well as information about this investigation. All we have is the little time left to finish this investigation and the knowledge that will shake this government to its core. We suddenly have a deadline.

**July 11, 1972**

We finally have enough evidence to convict Liddy and successfully implicate the involvement of CRP in this conspiracy. Liddy was all too kind to rat out on his superiors after a long and bloody (I hope not literally) interrogation period. We can finally pin every single slush fund, illegal money transfer, and weapons deal on [_censored_] Nixon and his [_censored_] Cabinet.

I am on my way to meet Woodward in what I hope to be the final meeting in this entire "Deep Throat" masquerade.

Have we really done it? Have we really saved the ignorant populace from the conniving schemes of their government? Have we saved America?

**July 13, 1972**

Friday the thirteenth. The unluckiest of days. It is on this day that I resign myself to my fate.

Woodward and Bernstein were killed shortly after the stroke of midnight earlier today. Their bodies were found riddled with .45 caliber rounds, presumably from a pistol or a pair thereof, but due to the fact that their car was speeding, the shooter must have to be the best shot in the world to make those hits with such weapons.

The car they were riding in was set ablaze by the shooter before he fled, and unsurprisingly, he is yet to be caught. The numerous recordings, files and documents acquired by our dynamic duo were caught in that fire, never to be used for what they were intended.

In a rage, I stormed back into [FBI Headquarters] to retrieve every single remaining bit of information regarding the investigation, only to find out that it had all been handed over to the CIA, as they were placed in charge of any subsequent investigation.

What followed was a scuffle with one of the CIA agents who was hauling a large pile of files that weren't even related to the investigation. He claimed that he was ordered to compile intelligence regarding recent events concerning the Nixon administration. I yanked the files away from him, and as they fell from his grip, one folder fell squarely on my table, as if on some sort of divine cue.

I quickly took the file and saw that it was on Operation: Wrath of God. I opened it, all the while cursing the agent on his apparent need for information on superheroes when he could always grab an issue of the Gazette for it. In it, I saw a page that summed up his need for the file.

It was a photograph of a man in dark leather armor and shoulder pads [patterned after the American flag] brandishing a flamethrower and casually smoking a cigar as he watches a Vietnamese soldier burn to death. It was The Comedian.

And although he didn't have his scar yet, I could not mistake that brick wall he has the [audacity] to call a human body for anyone else's. It was Edward Blake.

It all made sense, like a long-awaited punchline being delivered on Monday Night Happy Hour. He had access to government hardware and his affiliation to the CIA through Liddy and Hunt gave him the information he needed to pull off his hits. And though I never had the chance to see his work myself, but I'd heard The Comedian was a better shot than any other man employed in this country's Armed Forces, and he's got WW2 and Vietnam to speak for him.

It was no wonder that we were getting the evidence we needed so quickly. Blake practically let us continue the investigation and then watched us so he could trace who was responsible for the investigation and then eliminate us all in one go.

I softly apologized to the agent and I made my way out the door. I drove home that night without running any red lights, something I'd often do to catch the rerun of the football game at 7. I didn't stop for gas, so I wouldn't have to the next morning. Lord knows I might not need it.

And now here I am, awaiting the stroke of midnight, when my Doomsday will eventually come. I write this now in the small chance that it may not be found by Blake and serve as notice that Richard Nixon and his associates have concealed proof of their illegal activities in office, and have murdered innocent civilians to do so. I write this now in the small chance that America may still be saved.

As for me, nothing can save me. I tried to be a hero for this country, and yet it wasn't enough to beat a superhero. I tried to tell the country about the joke that is Richard Nixon and The Comedian didn't find it funny.

God forgive me. God bless America.

**July 20, 1972**

**To:**

_Th__e President of the United States of America_

**From:**

_George Gordon Liddy, Representative; Commission to Re-elect the President_

**Subject:**

_Operation Punchline_

The CRP would like to inform you that the black operation Punchline has been a complete success as per your orders. The CIA has seized numerous files from the FBI and various police districts regarding the investigation of the Watergate incident as well as the involvement of costumed vigilantes in government-sanctioned operations.

All personnel pertinent to the investigation have either been detained or killed in the past week. Also, any of our members who were detained over the course of the investigation have been killed or released and in some way or another, cleared of all crimes linked to the investigation, such as yours truly.

I would like to commend the efforts of our extranormal agent, The Comedian, Edward Blake in performing majority of the assassination work required for the operation, as well as the disposal of sensitive information that would have likely ruined the image of your administration. Blake executed his job without leaving any evidence that may link the CRP to the operation, with his more public displays of force being attributed to the recent resurgence of costumed criminals.

It is here that I would like to ask for your opinion concerning future operations regarding the suppression of critical information concerning your administration, and on the application of extranormal operatives in such situations. On that note, I have included, among other documents, edited excerpts from the journal of one of Blake's targets, FBI Deputy Director William Mark Felt, for your perusal.

On behalf of the CRP and Edward Blake, I congratulate you on avoiding a scandal that could have had the potential to prematurely end your term as President, and I hope to work with you again on a future operation.

_G. Gordon Liddy_

_Representative, CRP_


End file.
